I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
