my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
