Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
