When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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