omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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