I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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