so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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