you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It was confusing and full of hummus
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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