Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
