I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
