Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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