P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
