Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
