So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
