So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize