I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
