I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
