i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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