someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
