I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
