Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
