I've blown a few things in my day
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
The air was thick with penises
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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