I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
