Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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