I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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