Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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