I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize