i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
