The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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