I want to have your abortion
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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