i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
he fucked my hip out of place.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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