i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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