he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
