Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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