I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
