sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
