my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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