I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
