Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
