im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize