oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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