Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
