my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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