mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
