I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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