the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
