i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
