He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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