the condom got lost in my hair
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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