Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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