it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
