Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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