I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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