I got chris browned last night
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
