My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
