And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
