matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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