Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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