Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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