Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
