yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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