It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
