Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
