Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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