I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
