someone threw a dead crab at me
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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