You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
