just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize