theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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