I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
