why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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