oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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