it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
