last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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