Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I love having hate sex.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
