I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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