Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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