dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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