11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
