My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
