do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
