he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
