I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
