I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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